Wonder Walk

I spend most of my days lost inside of my head. It seems that as the days go on my mind starts to take over for my tiring body. I lie down and my body begins to rest, but my head starts to flow with information gained that day and thoughts that sometimes are almost impossible to keep up with.

An instant message conversation stays fresh no matter how many other things I am doing online. I can be chatting with four or five different people and surfing the net and the conversations stay with me. If I am trying to write something down or read something the information flows right out of my head.

When I read something I learn more from thinking about other things that I read of similar genre, I can go at other things a different way with the perspective given in the new piece. Most of the new information does not sink in until I read something new on the same subject.

I think that I maybe thinking in a different way then other people but I can never be sure, it is hard to explain my thought process, therefor it would be hard for the other person to do so as well. So if this whole blog makes no sense and does not seem to have any logical ties let me know, because I would then know that I think differently for certain. Do me the favor of pointing out what does not make sense and why.

-NK

Well Shit

I am tired of not being the person people think I should be, people that I looked up to ask me why I have not gone on and done great things. The main reason is that I do not believe that great things are possible, my life has show that there is bad and then there is worse. The most influential reason is because I would rather be a no body then a failure, seems as though I am long past hidden and there are people that see the possibility of greatness in me.

Goals for near future:

1. find out what I want

2. find out what I need to do to get what I want

3. go get it

Fucking A! I have to grow up, well shit.

-IDK anymore

The one thing that gets me mad

I will start to defend my side of a debate, the issue is normally of no importance at all. As I am stating my views, I evidently sound very set in whatever I am saying. The other person will go: ‘oh, I don’t want to take about it. You are a mad about it.’ When someone tells me that I am mad I get mad, I was not mad before, really all I was doing was supporting my side of a debate, the matter was not at all personal. I am louder then other people, if I quit myself for long periods of time, I only sound louder to other people when I start to speak without controlling it. Then they tell me that I am yelling. I was not yelling before, so to prove it I yell ‘this is me yelling’ then I go back to my normally loud voice ’so do not tell me I am yelling. The one person that provokes this response in me will just walk off. It fucking goes unchecked and I get more pissed off.

It is upsetting that people tell me what I am doing and refuse to continue the conversation. The only time I get wrapped up enough to forget to control my voice is when I want to learn something new. So they get upset that I am loud, I am I loud person you don’t get upset when a quite person gets quite you kindly ask them to speak up. Ask me to kindly keep it down, instead of act like I am attacking you and I will not get mad that the thing that makes me different is something that is offensive.

I am talking louder then you are, not yelling. That is like telling someone that they are making a stupid mistake without telling them what the mistake is and telling them how they would go at correcting it. Of course I am going to get pissed off when people tell me how I am felling. And the more pissed I get the less i care how loud I am, then I speak in my naturally loud voice. They tell me I am yelling and I prove I am not. They walk off, then I am pissed. but yelling at them proves that I cared in the first place.

The loud and evedently offensive,

-NK

Ok, now I need some help.

I have been single for over two years now. It is to the point where I want a real relationship and I physically need to have sex. I can talk to women, but I can not really imply anything sexual without being nervous. Most of the nervousness comes from the fact that when I do, I lose contact with the female completely. I have heard back from one and she thanked me for teaching her to be open to loving another person. The rest just up and disappeared, I would love to know what I did wrong. Because if I agree that it was wrong or there was a misunderstanding I could try to fix how I word things, certain things I do.

The mix of my emotional, mental and physical needs makes me want to puke. The fact that it happens over and over and over, leads me to believe that something is making me undateable. I am so far lost on the rules of dating, the rules of attraction, all rule the imply a girlfriend at all really.

-NK

Solving life’s problems, one step at a time.

I have found a fairly simple program to help solve everyday life problems. This program has been know to solve the following:

Money problems, Global warming caused by green house gases, obesity, some anxiety disorders, stress and low self esteem.

It is so simple, and millions of people refuse to do it on a regular basis. All you have to do is walk, whenever possible. If you have a dog, or even a cat walk them nightly. If you have kids walk with them to the corner store or to the park.

The largest argument I have found is that people have said they don’t have the time to walk. Well the fact that you are reading this blog means that you have time that could be devoted to walking. Cut your television and computer use in half and go for a walk, everyday or three times a day. A five minute walk is fine if that is all that you can do.

Another argument I have seen multiple times is ‘At the end of the day I do not have the energy to go for a walk.’ Well for one I never said the end of the day, and for another walking will help to properly metabolize your food and you will have more energy.
A third argument I get when discussing walking all the time. I can not get any of my errands done. ‘What you think I should walk all my groceries home.’ Yeah, if you live a mile or two from the store you should walk your groceries home. Start with one bag at a time, make that your daily walking ritual. After a while you will be able to make the same walk in less time with more groceries. People did it that way for hundreds of years.

The final one that I have heard time to time. ‘I do not feel safe walking around all the time.’ Well start talking to your friends and family members, start a group of people that walk together the same time everyday. You could all walk to the store together and pick up things for dinner. Discuss events that are happening, use it as socialization time for you and your children.

Now that you have my opposition to the common arguments lets cover the things that I said walking could help solve.
Money and Global warming: If you can do your day to day errands by walking you will save all the money you would have spent on gasoline and you will not have burned the gasoline. You will effectively walk off your carbon footprint. Walking also gives you time to think over your finances and decide what is worth buying, if you buy only what you need you will not throw out food or useless things that only take up space.

Obesity: Walking activates your muscles and they use the energy that you have stored and take in by eating. Walking also curves your hunger, if you walk on a certain schedule you end up being hungry at certain times. Fast food and sugary foods do not taste as good when you get down a five mile walk. High calorie meals full of carbohydrates and protein taste fantastic and are what your body needs because you are walking and using your muscles on a regular basis.

Stress and anxiety: Walking is a common stress reduction technique. When you are walking you can take the time to think out what is bothering you that day. You can realize that somethings are not worth losing the sleep over. You can take the time to think about friendships and other relationships. You can think about things and most likely simple solutions will come to you. Some anxiety is caused by too much stress and worrying about things, walking helps to think out your stuff and your body release endorphins that work to help stop anxiety.

Low Self esteem: Well the cut on greasy  food and food high in processed sugar, will start to make you feel better. Walking also boosts your energy levels and you can finish project that you start. If you make walking a social activity you may find that you have a lot to offer other people. Walking allows you to think things out and you can make effective plans to work on reaching goals you want for yourself.
Walk at least once a day for a solid three months and see what happens.

-NK

A New Element.

I was talking to a women that I work with. She has been in a serious relationship with her boyfriend for four or five years. She is twenty five and has a two year old with the Man. Well she looked at me today and said. ‘You know I just come here to take a break from my life… and everyone is so cheery. I am so alone at home, I don’t have any friends.’ Truth is the Man does not like her to be herself and she wants to be with him.

One of the reasons they went forward to have the kid was to prove that there was a level of commitment. So from this I have found that having a wife and a kid would not really mean shit if it was not the right wife. Which means that I have uncalibrated my standards and have lessened my efforts in looking for someone else.

What the hell is the point of looking to not be lonely if in a few years I will end up feeling the same way with less room to move to what I was looking for in the first place. Well there goes a bunch of stress, because to achieve the status of relationship that I want to have; my significant other is going to love me no matter what. So, as long as I stay true to myself, the rest is just the fun of the journey.

I pray for many more laughs and tears (if they need to happen.)

-NK

Excerpts from my English Paper.

I had to write a research paper, the topic was free for me to choose. The teacher said that she wanted me to get the most out of the paper as I could. Her favorite result is to line a job up for the person. For the job title that I do or do not hold has no real barring on who I am. Most of the time I like to use the talents I have to help family member, friends, people off the street and people that I have never met; I like to help build people up. I have had the luck of having been cursed by loss. (First realization, that I am glad it did not happen to someone else. I used to be pissed that I had to go through it, never thought it meant someone else did not.)

Well I drew to outlines in the essay. The first is how I responded to writing the  essay.

1. Find who you are, what you like and what you do not like. I had to go back and find the things that I had enjoyed to some degree. When I was really young I played the piano that used to sit at the foot of the stairs, it was out of tune and had missing keys but pressing a key and making a sound was a wondrous event. My seventh grade teacher taught me the power of words, both reading them and writing them. In high school I painted and sculpted for art class, I was able to express things that I never even allowed myself to recognize. The feeling of joy that I received from each event pushed me away from continuing to participate in them. Happiness made me feel guilty.

2. Understand the reactions that you have, study emotions and the effects they have on you; even small events can be indicators to how you will respond to larger events. When life changed to fast I shutdown and did not allow myself to find what I was feeling. I was Angry that I did not have people that I loved. I was Sad that I survived and they had not. I held on to these emotions because I felt guilty that I was allowed to feel happiness.

3. Know that if something big comes along it will be hard; you may even feel that there is no way life can go on. I am still here, so I need to make the best of what I have. Even two months ago if you had asked me if I could be happy you would have received a lie or a painful story. Right now I know I have a long road ahead but I think that it is possible to be happy.

And the second is a list of life lessons that I wanted others to benefit from.

1. Find yourself, because every day of your life you are going to be the only one that can follow you through everything. Know what makes you happy, the way that you feel emotions. Live to your standards. If every time it rains all you want to do is go run out and pretend you are in The Sound of Music. Take the time to go do it, say ‘hold on a sec, there is something I need to do.’ When you are done know there might be a few questions and the answer to them all is ‘I just needed to.’

2. Trust and find faith in others. Just because the whole of your journey can not be felt by someone else does not mean that you can be happy with other people. When you start to practice the things that make you feel wonderful and you start to accept that you feel bad from time to time, the person that joins you silently in the rain or holds you when you cry is the one that you should keep.

3. Learn to Love, both others and small pieces of your day. There is a limit to this life and everything after that is still unknown, so make the best of what you know that you have. This is the combination of one and two, some will work one and two linear, others will find someone they have in common and learn who they are through their experiences with the other person.

4. Grow from what life gives you. The expression ‘when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.’ Has allows suited me well, though I often will change the words to suit the situation. My personal favorite is ‘when life gives you lemons, sell them and buy some oranges.’ Personal growth is only limited by the person that is growing.

5. The easy road should be the one less traveled. Short term happiness leads to long term suffering; your body forces you to change with emotions. You are the one that has to feel, understand and then except them; then tell yourself it is time to progress.

I have given the complete essay for a review from peers, I would like a comment on if having just the outcome is any good.

Echoes of NK: Emotions II

I have been working on a research paper for my English class. Three guesses as to the topic.

If your response was the mating rituals of mules, you were wrong on a few levels. If you said emotions you most likely made and educated guess based on the title or you skimmed to this point and found the answer.

Well Emotions is once again the topic, at this point I am acting less based on them and more based on giving an informative blog on the expressing of them.

Most of the time Emotions are seen as those hard to deal with things that will get you laughed at or effect the norm to the point that it is useless to have them because they accomplish nothing. Well on some levels there is a truth to the statement. If you allow your emotions to go unchecked they will find away to release themselves, normally in a large quantity at an inopportune time.

It hurts to feel; it hurts to feel happy, it hurts to feel sad, it hurts to love, it hurts to feel lonely. The fact of the matter is that it hurts you and the others around you more for you not to feel. Emotions are a learned behavior, having them and expressing them. If you force yourself to not feel them, you allow everyone else that looks to you for guidance to hind there emotions.

Your mental and physical well being reflect the effect that emotions play on you. If you hold in your emotions they can cause unnecessary stress, this stress cause tension in social activities, which makes more stress and causes more emotions.

The fact of the matter is, understand you have emotions, find the level that is healthy for you to express the emotions, and work to gradually better yourself through acceptance and understanding.

-NK

Echoes of NK: Emotions

It seems that I am less then I want to be. I am never sure if I am fighting as hard as I think I am to change that, it is odd, day in and day out, I tell myself that I am unhappy. It seems that I have made it to a place in life where I can sit at the edge of it all and look down and there is my life to this point.

The last week was spent helping my father, he needed my help and my sister asked for it. In my family I have always played the strong man. I am the youngest but when my family needs someone to be strong there is nothing I can do but be strong. I can tell that they are saddened that I have to carry their burden, but it allows them to be free of it and I gladly carry it.

It taxes me, not because there is a  burden and I am carrying it, but because I am forced to be alive. I noticed it not too long ago that every time I start to feel happy, I am brought back to not feeling happy. The warmth of being happy makes the fact that I have been so unhappy for so many years hurt. It is so much easier to be unhappy right then and there, then to stand up and take the pain.

So here I am, 20 years old, and I have now protected my mother from my father and my father from my step mother. It was just 15 years ago when my mother needed me, she would never ask but I could always see it one the faces of my siblings.

Just over one week ago my sister called me from four states over, “I need you to look after dad, until I can get there.”  There I was, once again I was in a place where it was unhealthy for my parent, I had to fight for them. I had to stand strong because they would not do it for themselves. I pray that if I am ever in need some one will stand for me, or if I see some one else in need I will have the strength to stand for them.

I am blessed with the gift of feeling, I can take anyone world in and feel the pain for them. It is the pain that is mine that I have the hardest time fighting. I lost two family members that were very close to me, and the reason I can tell people I am not crying when I talk about them, is because I have become very good at hiding it away. I wish that the reason I did not cry was that I accepted the loss of them.

I was old enough to know that they had been taken and that I loved them, but I was too young to know that I had to deal with the pain inside then. The pain that I hold in has trapped me, any time that I start to feel anything at all, every bit of pain crushes me deep into my chest.

We all have the strength in buried inside of us.  And yes, It will hurt a lot when you use it, but it will help someone get were they cannot get themselves. It is up to you to ask yourself when to fight for someone else.

We all have the ability to feel the world, just be ready for everything that the world has to feel.

I cried four times trying to write this blog, because I held everything inside. Your emotions are as important as your mind and body. If you can feel you can heal both your body and your mind.

-NK

Not sure

I felt like I need to rant but I am at a lack of finding that which I would like to rant about. Life is not great but it is not that bad either, so there is nothing really to say.

Life is a funny place. I think that is the better of to places to leave that statement.

I am trying not to focus on negitive things. It seems to lead to places I do not want to be. I think that it is easier to remain in a state were I am not happy. Really happiness only makes that which it is not seem more not then it was before. Patterns seem to form when you want to do something and cannot.

I find my self as a socially stunted human that has many good things to say but from years of finding that no one cares unless they know you I have just stopped trying.

That is something that annoys me. Faces that we use to depick ourselves to other people. I can think of so many images that I paint in the minds of people. I think that when I do so I do it like when I paint normally, in an abstract fashion. That is where I need to work on honning my skills. I need to figure a different way of doing it.

I normally act in a natural fashion and then highten it with the normal nervousness and then , as I always do I will anwser any question as truthfully as I can, sometimes I find myself just telling people events in my life. There are many things that are there and it is not always the best to vocalize ideas before a person is comfortable with you.

I noticed that there are some things that you can say to one person and not the other, you instantly assign the role of one person when you start the relationship(in the terms that every encounter that last for a more then small amount of time, or you have itermidate contect over a long period of time is a relationship. Nothing to do with boyfriends or girlfriends. Tought they fit in the realm.) Well anywho you set out roles at the begining and then you establish them and do as much as you can to reinforce the type of relationship.

This will focus the barior of what you can and cannot say to that person, you want to keep that role becuase it is comfortable to you and if you say the wrong thing then that person is going to close contact. There is a level at which people like to change it is verant on many levels. That is the way people function.