I am really very lost on relationships. It seems that because I am never suited for the position of Mr. Right Now, that women are disinterested. The qualities that I can bring to a relationship are all things that someone can not find out in one date. I am a generous and caring. I am open and honest. My weaker points tend to surface early on, I lost family members young and I think people are unnerved by my understanding.
How on earth am I supposed to be open and honest if I have to hide what makes me a unique individual to get past a first date or even make it to the first date. If I am cursed it is the curse of wisdom. When people ask me the questions that they have not been able to answer and it takes me a few moments to access the situation, I come off sounding abrasive and rude.
Sometimes I wish I could just stop and wait for other people to go through similar life events. I hate and love the fact that I am different. I hate the fact that I had to go through all of the pain, I hate that I can not have an I wonder conversation, but I love that when people are real and they look me in the eye with tears for a lost love one I can speak to them on a level that has no words, I love that I can use my perspective on the world to help people seeking answers.
One truth that I have found of myself is that I fear being alone. Another truth I have found of myself is that I fear to work to be anything substantial to someone else. My physical and emotional needs of another person to have and hold are not meant, because I struggle with my mental comprehension of self.
Another chapter of being lost
-NK
I don’t think it is a matter of being cursed.. it is more like the first date is like giving a guided tour of yourself so you get to pick which parts you take them too. Like I tend to take my love of going to concerts out first and leave the bits about my grandmother’s grave for a bit later. It isn’t that I hide them, I just let people prove that they can handle the best parts- that I like to dance- before I show them the more make or break bits- like my exhaustive knowledge of TV’s Farscape. I used to just throw it all out there or hit the opposite extreme and hide it, but now thats more how I like to do it. Does that help?
For the most part, I just need to be able to figure out what people are looking for, and use parts of my personality to portray those things. One of my biggest problems is that a women asks for a kind, generous man if I show them that I can be they are astounded but they still walk away.
-NK
The thing is I’ve found women tend to say they want one thing but actually respond to something else… so I don’t put much heed in picking which bits I want to show. If I know she likes music I’ll make sure to mention that or if I know she’s a scifi person I’ll bring that but I do think it is important just to.. I guess relax around them and be whichever person I feel like being in the moment. I’m not really sure how it to describe it.
Of course, I have no claim to being an expert so who knows?