I am really very lost on relationships. It seems that because I am never suited for the position of Mr. Right Now, that women are disinterested. The qualities that I can bring to a relationship are all things that someone can not find out in one date. I am a generous and caring. I am open and honest. My weaker points tend to surface early on, I lost family members young and I think people are unnerved by my understanding.
How on earth am I supposed to be open and honest if I have to hide what makes me a unique individual to get past a first date or even make it to the first date. If I am cursed it is the curse of wisdom. When people ask me the questions that they have not been able to answer and it takes me a few moments to access the situation, I come off sounding abrasive and rude.
Sometimes I wish I could just stop and wait for other people to go through similar life events. I hate and love the fact that I am different. I hate the fact that I had to go through all of the pain, I hate that I can not have an I wonder conversation, but I love that when people are real and they look me in the eye with tears for a lost love one I can speak to them on a level that has no words, I love that I can use my perspective on the world to help people seeking answers.
One truth that I have found of myself is that I fear being alone. Another truth I have found of myself is that I fear to work to be anything substantial to someone else. My physical and emotional needs of another person to have and hold are not meant, because I struggle with my mental comprehension of self.
Another chapter of being lost
-NK
