December 1999 I lost a three year old nephew to Cancer. December 2000 I lost a twenty-nine year old sister to a blood clot that collapsed her lung.
Both of these events placed me in a separated state of being. The day to day was lived because I knew if I did not trudge on I was worse off then dead. The way I saw it if there was something wrong with me then everyone was going to worry about me. The last thing that I wanted was for people to worry about me, so I learned real quick how to mask emotions and float by. I did all of it just because other people told me that it was something that I had to do to fit into society.
I was numb and pretending to feel, a horrid mix for a teenager. I lost too many years of learning how to handle ups and downs. I lost too many years learning how to properly express myself. I lost too many years finding out who I was as a person. Any bit pf potential that I had went toward masking that there was anything wrong in my life. The really good teachers still saw every bit of it, but they knew if they let on I would close up. So they pushed me and tested me, some decided that I would find my own greatness and achieve it.
Well the events of getting and losing my first girl friend. Being over medicated and feeling like a social outcast when I had a large group of friends, the confusing year at college with a roommate that was crazier then me all tore my down to the point where once again my potential was not reached.
Today I heard it in my seventh grade teachers voice. Back in the seventh grade right in the thick of everything, my teacher had us all write down something in a journal. We had ten minutes and we could write whatever we wanted. she was never going to look at them. Well I decided that I was going to create a new world. A world of dragons, so everyday for ten minutes I wrote about dragons. It was that journal that led me to my love for writing. The sharing of emotions, the creating of things that did not exist before the pen hit the paper and the escape from it all. Well today at work I told her when she passed by that I was still writing, she told me she was so glad to hear it, she said it made her day that I was still writing. I for her was one of the moments she wanted to teach.
There are a few people that see greatness in me. I am having a hard time figure out what they see but I know that they can see it. Since the formation of this blog I have gone through enormous amounts of changes. I have figured out things that have been racing around in my mind for years and I am finally starting to feel things. Happy, sad and angry. Each one of them I am working on figuring out and doing things that adequately balance them. Most of the time if I can remove myself from the stressor and think out my response to it, I find that I have the ability to pace through anything thrown at me, but from time to time I get a little caught up and forget to stop and think about what is going on.
So I can personally tell you there is an off switch to your emotional core, and when you turn it off get ready because you have to deal with everything that comes your way without an emotion helping learn what is bothering you, in order to turn your core back on.
Mind, Body and Emotions. All need to be healthy and well kept.
-NK
