I have reached a point where my downs are not bad enough to keep me chained to my bed. But the ups hurt, it is a lot like walking out of a dark house into the sun glinting off a pure coat of white snow. The feeling is so far removed that I have no idea what to do with it. I find my self trying to find ways to feel like shit.
Granted I am still working on progression of myself. I am committing to walking my dog nightly. I am reading in my free time. I am writing my thoughts down and trying to find ways to clarify them so they make sense to others. I am talking when I want to say something and limiting my words when I am to nervous to state them the way that I want to.
Progression through regression, I am going back to the things that I used to do naturally but was not sure the best way to do so. I have learned a lot of social things in the last few years. I am taking what I learned and applying it to the things that I to love to do.
I still struggle from time to time with wondering if I deserve to feel happy. I met a couple at work the other day and there random entrance into my life stirred up things that I would not have thought of otherwise. J, the female, told me that a person told her she had seven angles. I responded with I know for a fact I have two, meaning my sister and nephew that died years ago. I then got on the track of what my sister did for me when she was alive. My sister spent half of her life showing me that I had a lot of potential and how to use it. It would be rude for me to waste all the time and effort she put into me.
There is a lot of work ahead, I kinda look forward to the ups and downs life will throw at me.
“There is a bad and a good way to take everything, the bad comes easy, the good you have to fight for.”
-NK
