Any advice?

First off raw facts.

I have had one relationship, it was long distance. We would meet at least once a month, all in all the eight month relationship we spent about 40 days together. Since they, I have had some really shitty luck when it comes to females. I fell for like four women in college, I did not have the confidence to express how I felt in a healthy and constructive manner. One of the women that took initiative to come and see me and try to look into something, ended up in a fling with my roommate. I met and showed interest in a female, she had two kids and trouble expressing herself. We spent three very nice hours together, sorry if this offends, I made it to second base and was about to score; when the oddest of life events happened. I at 19 was standing in the shower hoping the father would not need to take a piss, he came to drop off one of her sons without calling first.

One of the females in college I feel for became a wonderful friend, but she saw more bad times then good. One of her friends stayed at my dorm, we kissed and then I think she thought there was chemistry with me and her my college crush or she did not want to be second best (which I am not upset about, I understand, even if it may not have been the case. I really think it never came up between the two friends, if it did it was not expressed.

That summer I was walking around randomly looking for strangers or random people I knew to strike a conversation with. I met a women that was very chill but full of energy at the same time, about a month after that I spent a night on her love seat with her cat that died of cancer about a month later.

About two weeks after hanging out with her I went to the same park and ran into a drunk thirty year old male and a teenage girl, I talked her into not going home with him. We tried calling and checking a few place she might be able to stay. She ended up in my dorm room, she refused to just take my bed for herself, one thing to another we kissed and cuddled a lot. Well the next day I dropped her off with a friend, hung around town, took a nap and called to check on her. Found that my estimate of at least 17 was way off and felt like shit when my friend said “Oh man, are you serious! You made out with a lolly.”

Some other interactions but nothing that went anywhere are had some dramatic twist at the end. So totals, two ‘intimate’ companions (one relationship, one really horny women.), one random blow job and five women kissed. Nothing I am ashamed of in any aspect, but none of it really help me alone in my path of development. The mother of two recently looked me up and told me she was a mother of three and was engaged to be married. She said I showed her that it was fine to feel happy and express love for another person (a co-worker adequately termed it as a hand job for my ego.)

I am not sure but sometimes I find myself a only falling for the unattainable. Women completely wrapped up in unhealthy relationships, or just unavailable do to hundreds of factors. When I find a female that there is a good likely hood of relationship, I get astoundingly depressed. My current small town situation is killer: So far I have fallen for a second cousin (had no idea, she belongs to the rich side of the family.), I sibling of a really good friend, friends ex’s or pre’s (my college roommate is one of three friends that had random sex with a female I had interest in, most forming a relationship.)

Ok the big question “You are a kind compassionate person, I love talking with you… : it is just complicated right now / I just don’t see anything with you / I am just very picky (which is a true statement) / (silence and change of topic, conversation ends. They are not heard from again.) Do I just have really shitty luck? or are they telling me something?

So for advice I guess: I am looking for success stories, useful dating tips, things to do and things not to do or similar circumstances.

I want to move on and progress.

-NK

A New Element.

I was talking to a women that I work with. She has been in a serious relationship with her boyfriend for four or five years. She is twenty five and has a two year old with the Man. Well she looked at me today and said. ‘You know I just come here to take a break from my life… and everyone is so cheery. I am so alone at home, I don’t have any friends.’ Truth is the Man does not like her to be herself and she wants to be with him.

One of the reasons they went forward to have the kid was to prove that there was a level of commitment. So from this I have found that having a wife and a kid would not really mean shit if it was not the right wife. Which means that I have uncalibrated my standards and have lessened my efforts in looking for someone else.

What the hell is the point of looking to not be lonely if in a few years I will end up feeling the same way with less room to move to what I was looking for in the first place. Well there goes a bunch of stress, because to achieve the status of relationship that I want to have; my significant other is going to love me no matter what. So, as long as I stay true to myself, the rest is just the fun of the journey.

I pray for many more laughs and tears (if they need to happen.)

-NK

Excerpts from my English Paper.

I had to write a research paper, the topic was free for me to choose. The teacher said that she wanted me to get the most out of the paper as I could. Her favorite result is to line a job up for the person. For the job title that I do or do not hold has no real barring on who I am. Most of the time I like to use the talents I have to help family member, friends, people off the street and people that I have never met; I like to help build people up. I have had the luck of having been cursed by loss. (First realization, that I am glad it did not happen to someone else. I used to be pissed that I had to go through it, never thought it meant someone else did not.)

Well I drew to outlines in the essay. The first is how I responded to writing the  essay.

1. Find who you are, what you like and what you do not like. I had to go back and find the things that I had enjoyed to some degree. When I was really young I played the piano that used to sit at the foot of the stairs, it was out of tune and had missing keys but pressing a key and making a sound was a wondrous event. My seventh grade teacher taught me the power of words, both reading them and writing them. In high school I painted and sculpted for art class, I was able to express things that I never even allowed myself to recognize. The feeling of joy that I received from each event pushed me away from continuing to participate in them. Happiness made me feel guilty.

2. Understand the reactions that you have, study emotions and the effects they have on you; even small events can be indicators to how you will respond to larger events. When life changed to fast I shutdown and did not allow myself to find what I was feeling. I was Angry that I did not have people that I loved. I was Sad that I survived and they had not. I held on to these emotions because I felt guilty that I was allowed to feel happiness.

3. Know that if something big comes along it will be hard; you may even feel that there is no way life can go on. I am still here, so I need to make the best of what I have. Even two months ago if you had asked me if I could be happy you would have received a lie or a painful story. Right now I know I have a long road ahead but I think that it is possible to be happy.

And the second is a list of life lessons that I wanted others to benefit from.

1. Find yourself, because every day of your life you are going to be the only one that can follow you through everything. Know what makes you happy, the way that you feel emotions. Live to your standards. If every time it rains all you want to do is go run out and pretend you are in The Sound of Music. Take the time to go do it, say ‘hold on a sec, there is something I need to do.’ When you are done know there might be a few questions and the answer to them all is ‘I just needed to.’

2. Trust and find faith in others. Just because the whole of your journey can not be felt by someone else does not mean that you can be happy with other people. When you start to practice the things that make you feel wonderful and you start to accept that you feel bad from time to time, the person that joins you silently in the rain or holds you when you cry is the one that you should keep.

3. Learn to Love, both others and small pieces of your day. There is a limit to this life and everything after that is still unknown, so make the best of what you know that you have. This is the combination of one and two, some will work one and two linear, others will find someone they have in common and learn who they are through their experiences with the other person.

4. Grow from what life gives you. The expression ‘when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.’ Has allows suited me well, though I often will change the words to suit the situation. My personal favorite is ‘when life gives you lemons, sell them and buy some oranges.’ Personal growth is only limited by the person that is growing.

5. The easy road should be the one less traveled. Short term happiness leads to long term suffering; your body forces you to change with emotions. You are the one that has to feel, understand and then except them; then tell yourself it is time to progress.

I have given the complete essay for a review from peers, I would like a comment on if having just the outcome is any good.

Hints, Allegations and Things Left Unsaid…

Thank the title to the band Collective Soul.

I need to write words, so… I am going to form a list of things that I think are important in life.

1. Take the time to find out who you are.

2. Always make sure you are on the path that you want to be on. Look yourself in the mirror and make sure you like the person that is looking back at you.

3. Know what your needs are and communicate them verbally to others.

4. Have Hope and Faith in your life.

5. Know what YOU love and LOVE it.
That’s what I have right now, to me it seems like a sound list.

Right now I am upset at a good some of people that will not tell me the truth straight out. Lies are damaging, and so are half truths. That being said I know how hard the truth is to tell, therefore all a can do is wait and accept whatever comes from it.

I pray for the strength to tell the truth.

Amen

Thanks Subhashpuri

Yesterday, I went to a movie with a friends girlfriend and her best friend. We came back and the best friend made my fish for me and we just asked random questions. Well, I did get a little forward. But this was the first time that I learned something as to what is in the bounds and what is not.

The reason I am thanking Subhashpuri is because I was just being myself and the fact that it has yet to work out and may never will still makes me happy. I learned more about myself and I talked with a beautiful woman. The truth is that the feeling that I never understood how to cope with was happiness. It feels so close to the feeling of loss for me. So I am happy, and I can now tell the difference. Happy no longer hurts.

Well here is to my journey and the many pages to be filled.

May the Lord guide me to his open arms, and bless others with my love.

Amen.

I have come a long way…

Just long enough so I would feel horrid if I was to fall. If there was one thing I learned from running Cross Country with Mono it is: ‘I have the power to do anything if I set myself to it.’

This blog is for me. I find that turning my feelings into words, makes them easier to understand. I have come to realize that understanding is not accepting and overcoming. It is tricky, and the things that I have learned can be summed up into words that only hold meaning to those that look for guidance in them. I am not one of the people that looks for guidance in my words, with all my heart I wish that my words could truely give me the comfort that I speak when I write them.

So I have come up with something, not wholly on my own. I have taken what will be handed to me, I have given what I have to give or at least the strength to give. All of it has lead me to a conclusion, something that I think will work for me. I need to find out who I am, I need to become me. I spent a lot of years giving up who I am to allow others to be who they wanted to be. Yes, I could see the changes. But when those that I had helped to a point no longer needed me they continued and I stayed. I am not angry, I am really sad but I knew it when I started.

So to fulfill my own needs I have decided that my guidance will be limited (for now anyway). I am going to work on my own problems and start living my life.

I vow to myself to keep going, even if it means I have to stand still for some time.

I pray for guidance and strength.

Amen

And all I can do is just pour some tea for two….

I am taking an emotional sky dive. I am placing were all my worries to the side and just going out and trying to meet new people. I wrote an essay that I hope to post at some point, the basic idea was to grow and develop and then when you know who you are move on to something better.

Through these blogs, I came up with a philosophy that works for the formation of a healthy relationship. “If two is a relationship, where one equals a well rounded person; Why do we get upset that a relationship does not work if we were not 100% going into it.”

This only helps to start a relationship, most notably because you only have control over your half of it. I was bouncing it off of a man that I work with; both he and his wife work in the store, I think that they have a very good relationship and I respect his opinions. He basically said that yes being well rounded is good, but remember that there are ups and downs, and that you change over time.

So I am going to define, with the hope of clarity.

Relationship: Multiple interactions between two individuals were one is gaining from the other.

Healthy Relationship: Relationship where both individuals are growing without impeding the growth of the other.

Well rounded person: An individual that is healthy emotionally and mentally, someone that can have ups and downs but follows a natural and healthy course through events. Anger, sadness and happiness are all important emotions to have and express. A well rounded person accepts and learns from their emotions to make themselves better. This means they are Adaptive.

Adaptive (individual): Being able to continue on functionally in a reasonable amount of time(scale different for everyone.) Life will throw curve balls your ability to react in a rational and healthy manner is a big part of being well rounded and functional in a healthy relationship.

Healthy: Broad and fluxing term to define an overall cycle. Ex: Incorporating more vegetables into your diet is healthier for you. AEx:” It’s just not healthy, he has been just lying in his bed for months. It is like he died with her.”

I kneel and kiss the feet of the man on the cross, “Guide and Save me, I pray for comfort.”

-NK

Look inside yourself.

God is the only one that knows what is beyond this all, so you need to start to relay on yourself for what happens while you are alive. I wish life has simple answers but the answers are all tough and take some time to find. So, stop looking for a simple answer and then acept who you are and find what you like.

Once you find where you are. Share it with others.

-NK.

Five in The GPA

I went on what I call a vacation, I went 156 miles from home and visited with five friends in 107 hours. I had like six meals the whole time. I had at least four energy drinks, tons of vitamin waters. I think I walked at least fifty miles, which lead to about 7 blisters.

I discussed what has been going on for the last year, most of my friends had not seen to me or conversed that much at all for the last year. It was great going to a place were people were actively trying to hang out with me. I have found that if my supply surpasses the demand people are less likely to hang out, viscous cycle.

Talking out the good and the bad led me to think about how far I have come and how much more that I want for myself. I have to start sitting down and finding out what I want and what I am willing to do to get it. I have never been one to set goals and standards but I think  I have to start and finding out what I need to make myself do.

I think that dealing with my past and working toward that future has been so hard on me because I do not know how to focus all of the energy that I used to stay depressed. I am happy that my father is with my sister, I love knowing that he is healthy and safe. I have come to terms with the loss of my sister, ever since I knew she was going to have a stone I have been happy. And when my dad moved I relived that I had not dealt with everything I needed to.

All of the time that I spent on worrying about things that were not mine to worry about , was turned on working on myself. This means I have more time to think about who I am, where i am in my life, and where I want to be.  At first this was the worst thing that could have ever happened, but I rode through it. I was worried about not being able to pick myself up and put the pieces back together. I am coming to terms to the fact that life is not a puzzle that has a set amount of pieces that fit in one way.

Life seems to be a puzzle in the fact that there are ways of dealing with it and there are natural responses and then there is a emotional and/or logical response to things. This is where i think that I got lost, I was going back in time to put all the “missing pieces” together. Turns out all the missing pieces were just ones that did not fit at that time. They were far from what I thought they would look like and they make what I think is a stronger role in who I am.

I am a strong advocate on remaining objective on things, and my five days off allowed me too look at myself on a bigger scale.

I think that everyone is different and that we should be fine that other people are different, yes there are some things that should not happen, but I believe that the larger deviations from the social norms are because of the stigmas on smaller issues. I set my lines on as long as you are allowing people to have free will and give them options on the path of there lives you are free to live on your terms, assuming that you yourself allow for yourself to have options and a free will.

I fight the pattern because it makes the pattern, I acknowledge the pattern to overcome it.

-NK